Depression?

Anyways, i havent been feeling quite right the past few days. Its on days like this that i dont like myself. I mean, i cant stop being trapped & tortured by the past. I WANT to move on but sometimes, some things just pull me back. Sometimes i myself land myself in such predicament. Sometimes, i chance upon it unwittingly.

On days like this i start to question myself, my existence, my thoughts, my maturity, my feelings. I will have lots of thoughts going on in my head, so many emotions coursing through my veins. So many reactions to my body. Probably its just PMS. i often get depressed around that time. i think. i cant help it.

The thing that i will always cry about [silly-ly] is the Brian thingy. I know many of my friends are growing sick of listening to it, about it. But its hard really for ME to forget about him. I know its silly & foolish, not forgetting naive of me to cling onto something so stale. But he was the ONLY one that gave me encouragement when i was down.

My mum. She threw the book that i wrote aside when i showed her. I was sad, hurt. But Brian was there to cheer me up, to make me see things differently. I complained and freaked out about having to write a 20,000 words novel. I had written 12,000 words then and had to submit my novel 3 days from then. Brian was there to encourage me. He said he knew I could do it. He knew i was clever. He knew i would finish it all and he would be so proud of me. He shares my happiness, my sadness. He shares a part of me.

You see, he made me feel wanted, loved, cherished. haizz.. im just repeating myself from yesterdays entry. But really, i cant control myself. i would be so happy one moment, and leave me alone, i would be neck-deep buried in my past & eyes tearing.

I miss HIM. i really do. i promise myself i will forget him but its next to impossibility. i really miss you and it hurts me badly to not be able to say it out loud to you. ive never been the kind of person who publicly shows her love but when it comes to you, im bursting with affections to shower you with. but yeah, its all happening in my dreams. Ciaoz.